September 19th

Yesterday, @TMR15 posted a picture of two flower bouquets. Initially I thought those were birthday gifts given to him but, when I ran the characters through a translator, it turned out that the flowers were for his parents to express his gratitude for raising him and always supporting him.

For someone who always wished never to have been born, it was an alien concept. It just hit me like a pebble between the eyes.

Intellectually, I do understand that there are reasons for gratitude, but I never really understood with my heart. I thought maybe I just haven’t focused on such reasons enough. Maybe most of the time I’m more focused on the reasons (that I think) why I shouldn’t be prowling this earth at all. 

I never lived in strife. I always lived in comfort. I never wanted for anything that money could buy. I had friends, but at the end of the day I had always come home to a house that felt like a big box with its few contents rattling inside. I always asked myself, “What’s the point?”

Get laid? Fall in love? Been there, done that. Crashed and burned. What’s the point? 

The point…the people who know me best would say that I think the purpose of life is personal discovery and growth. They’d say that would be the point for me, while they’d say family and building their legacy are theirs. They wouldn’t be lying as that’s what I usually talk about, but another thing is I just want to help and make a difference. In a big way. Like, colossal.  

Takanori Nishikawa has been inspiring and making a difference for probably decades now. I understand why he’s grateful on his birthday. I’m grateful, too. I’m glad and I’m grateful that his parents have always been there for him so that he can continue inspiring other people. At my end, those flowers made me look at my life a bit more closely.

What am I grateful for? I’m grateful to my parents for providing well for us. I probably would have gone on a rampage if I had to…like, live in a smelly, dingy place growing up and go to school with a bunch of narrow-minded assholes who would rather gossip than read. I can deal with all the trauma and the shit that a lot of my parents’ poorly made choices caused. I can deal with being able to count on both hands the times my parents hugged me. I can deal with being able to count on one hand the times my parents actually listened to me. All those things gave me a different kind of strength – I just need to focus on that, on the good things. My parents weren’t perfect, but I believe they did try their damnedest to do their best. We were far from picture perfect, but…I can say that I am grateful and somewhat relieved that I didn’t turn out so bad after all. A bit weird admittedly (OK, hella weird!), but not bad. 🙂 

I just need to focus on the good things and be grateful more often. That’s Nishikawa-san’s gift to me on his birthday without even knowing it.

It’s too late to make a birthday fanvid or a montage or whatnot as a thank you. What I can do is be grateful and strive to be an inspiration to others (and to be a bit less weird, and a lot better than ‘not bad’.). 🙂